有一位醫生在院子裡種植樹苗,但他很少澆水,因此樹苗長得很慢。有一天他的鄰居問他,會不會因為樹苗長不快而感到擔心呢?這位醫生的觀念很有意思,他認為如果常常給樹苗澆水,樹的根部就會因為容易得到地面上的水,進而習慣淺層土壤的環境,反而無法扎下深根。因此他不常澆水,樹苗雖然會長得慢一些,但是樹根為了獲取水分,就會拚命往深處生長,因此樹就會長出很深的根,就能抵抗惡劣氣候的侵襲。這位醫生還說,他每天都會拍打這些樹。
過了幾年,一場強烈颱風橫掃當地,狂風大雨使得街上許多樹都被吹斷了,唯獨那位醫生所栽種的樹,依然結實挺立著,樹幹幾乎聞風不動,堅強地抵抗著大風。(出自 肥貓牧師,台灣教會公報,2013)
如果可以一生順利邁向人生的勝利,相信這是眾人的盼望,只是現實的世界並非如此。與12歲的你分享一個來自善牧基金會服務過的真實案例故事:
在台南,善牧有一個收容安置待產未婚小媽媽的「寧心園」,成立至今已有二十年歲月,陪伴許多未婚懷孕少女度過艱辛、無助的時刻,今年二十歲的小詠(化名)也是其中一位。
小詠從小生活在缺乏關愛的家庭,令人驚訝的是,她不但沒有因此自怨自艾,也沒有歸咎於成長環境不全,相反的,可以從她身上看到比一般同齡女孩成熟、堅強且知足的態度,還有一股極具韌性的「復原力」。
被侷限的生活圈
我的母親過世後父親再娶,不幸的是父親之後也離世了,只剩下後母獨自撫養哥哥、我與兩位妹妹。
因為經濟關係,後母無法讓我們去上課輔班,她要求我放學後要直接回家,我幾乎無法跟朋友出去,即使想跟朋友出去玩也不行,因為她覺得女生在外面很危險。除了這些規定,後母不准我把家用電話給朋友,朋友也被禁止來家裡玩,一方面是因為她不喜歡別人來家裡,另一方面是因為她認為我的朋友「看起來」都是壞朋友。在學校,我沒有要好的同學和朋友,能講話的朋友也很少,一整天只能關在家裡面看電視,完全沒有其他休閒娛樂。
後母約束我們很多事情,也會干涉我們的決定,如果她認為是不好的,就一定堅決反對到底,所謂聽話的小孩就是一切都要照著長輩的意思走,每到最後,我就會放棄溝通,因為既然都已經知道結果了,溝通也沒有用,與後母的隔閡也就逐漸加深。
我不知道要如何控制我的情緒,唯一的方法就是逃離這個環境
我與妹妹相差多歲,大人們平時要上班,我回到家的主要工作就是照顧兩個妹妹和舅舅、阿姨的孩子,有時候,同時要照顧四至五個嬰幼兒,餵奶、換尿布、照顧他們生活大小事,常常累到精疲力盡,感到莫名煩躁。當時年紀輕,每當生氣惱怒時,就會破壞家中東西,或是遷怒年紀比我小的手足,常常不懂得如何控制自己的情緒與打人的力道,導致妹妹受傷。
我知道我的情緒控管很不好,慶幸的是,升國中參加社團後就可以有藉口不待在家裡帶小孩,讓我可以遠離這個環境,情緒也得以舒緩。
在學校,我沒有要好的同學或朋友;在家裡,除了吃飯時家人會聚在一起之外,平時我不會與後媽、兄妹他們有交集,更不會聊天,通常都是各忙各的。因為身邊沒有聊天的對象,我開始在網路聊天室交友,認識了孩子的爸爸。我們很有話聊,生活上所發生的大大小小事情都會跟他說,他會陪我聊天、聽我說話,也會帶我出去玩,無微不至照顧我。
不被家人接受,只能獨自承擔
知道懷孕時,寶寶已經四個月大,而我也早已與孩子的爸爸斷了連繫,當下的我心裡清楚知道,家裡的人一定不會接受也不會給予任何支援,所以乾脆不跟家人討論這件事情,直到肚子越來越明顯,瞞不住家人的時候,才經由長期關懷我們家的社工將我轉介到善牧寧心園。
在寧心園期間,第一次發現原來生活是可以沒有貶抑、負向的標籤,我在這裡很輕鬆沒有壓力,我可以過自己的生活,不用面對家人;擁有選擇的權利,像是上課、看書或是參加瑜珈、電影賞析等園內舉辦的活動,我們還會一起做午餐,雖然我不會煮飯,但是在這過程中,邊學邊煮,也開始慢慢對烹飪產生興趣了。
待產期間,我一直思考我與寶寶的未來。打從一開始發現自己懷孕時,我知道我一定會將孩子生下來,這是毫無疑問地。但是經過一段時間的思考與評估後,我開始意識到現實層面的問題:該如何在沒有家人支持、協助的情況下獨自扶養一個孩子?有能力負擔孩子的生活開銷嗎?雖然心靈深處仍有一小塊地方在吶喊著,但是現實與理性不允許我的感性出來搗亂,我依舊是做了最艱難但也是對孩子最好的決定。我知道我會不捨,孩子未來或許也不一定能諒解,但是這是我現階段,唯一能給孩子最棒的禮物了。
找到自己的興趣,並把注意力擺在目標上
將寶寶出養後,我選擇回到爺爺奶奶家,跟著家人在醫院上長照課程,考取照顧服務員證照,我想,從小家裡長輩生病都是我一手照顧的,如果能將這項專業學起來,不但將來有機會用到,也可以把它當作是我的一項技能。
從事照服員的工作半年後,決定再多學點專業,於是重返校園,就讀社工系。現在的我,白天上課,晚上當照服員,賺取自己的學費與生活費,雖然很累、很辛苦,但是想為自己的未來爭取多一點點的機會。我認為自己要獨立,就要努力進修、提升自己能力,即使不讀書也可以找有興趣的事情去學習,進而找到適合自己的工作與生活,即使少了家人的支持,也可以過著充實的人生(林彣穎,天主教善牧基金會)。
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